Of Pines Needles and Corduroy Buttons
by JonBob0008
Summary: After overhearing a conversation between Wendy and Mabel, Dipper devises a plan in order to win Wendy's heart once and for all. Unfortunately, unforeseen consequences occur when things don't go according to plan. Dipper/Wendy, Dipper/?


**Author's Note: It's been a long time since I've written a fanfic, and the show I chose is very different from my last one. Most of you will be unfamiliar with me. I can only hope that my work is worthy of your time. In any case, enjoy the fic!**

_**Of Pines Needles and Corduroy Buttons**_

* * *

Chapter One

It was another fine afternoon in Gravity Falls. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, the bees were pollinating, and the chupacabra was charging.

And this particular variety of chupacabra looked similar to a wolf without fur, with glowing green eyes and enormous canine teeth. It snarled and howled insatiably as it closed in.

"Mabel! Soos! Run!"

The Pines twins and Soos darted through the woods, the chupacabra close on their heels. Dipper, carrying an old stained sack over his shoulder, could practically feel its hot breath as it gave chase.

"Dude! I think it wants its treasure back!" Soos stated, between ragged breaths.

"No!" said Dipper. "We've come with far! We can't give up!"

"That's the spirit, Dipper!" said Mabel. "Just believe in yourself and you can achieve anything, including getting across that impassable chasm up ahead!"

And just as Mabel said, there was indeed a huge chasm up ahead, far too large to jump over. The three of them were forced to stop right at the edge. It was at least a hundred feet to the bottom, and there were raging, rocky rapids waiting to meet anyone unfortunate enough to make the plunge. The gang turned behind them, only to see the chupacabra closing in.

"Everybody, think fast! Think fast or we're done for!" said Dipper.

"Oh! I have just the thing to get us out of this mess!" Mabel announced as she pulled out her trusty grappling hook.

"Uh, Mabel?" Dipped replied as he looked around. "There's nothing around here to grapple onto!"

But Mabel simply pointed the gun into the air. "Silly Dipper! Watch and learn!"

She pulled the trigger, and the grappling hook shot upwards with a light bang. And amazingly, it actually managed to hook onto something.

"There! Got it! Grab onto me guys!"

With no time to lose, Dipper and Soos immediately grabbed onto Mabel as she jumped right off the cliff. With Mabel at the forefront, the three of them swung across the chasm and to safety. Upon landing, the grappling hook dislodged from whatever it was holding onto, falling into the depths of the chasm below.

"We made it!" Mabel said.

"Yes! Righteous move, dude!" Soos replied, before giving both of the twins a high five.

"Uh…how did you do that?" Dipper wondered, looking up at the sky in confusion.

Mabel put her hands on her hips with pride. "I believed in myself."

Dipper paused. "That…that's impossible." Unable to fully understand, Dipper just put a hand to his face.

"Never mind."

The three of them looked across the chasm to see the chupacabra standing on the other side, snarling and drooling green sludge.

"Not going to suck our blood now, are you?" yelled Mabel before sticking out her tongue.

It was at that moment when the monster howled ferociously. Two lumps formed on its back that eventually tore through the skin to reveal a set of large, leathery wings.

The three of them watched in horror, realizing that they were still not safe. The sound of heavy flapping simply confirmed these fears.

"Oh man, dude! Now what?" said Soos to Dipper.

"I don't know. Keep running?"

"Here it comes!" said Mabel, pointing towards the monster as it ascended into the air.

Fortunately, it turned out that it couldn't get enough lift from its wings to make it across, and thus proceeded to smash its body into the cliff face on the other side. The monster let out a cry of anguish before falling into the raging rapids below. As quick as it came, the threat was over.

"I don't know about you, but I totally didn't that coming," Soos stated.

"We did it! We're safe!" said Mabel with her arms in the air.

"Alright! The treasure is ours!" said Dipper as he pulled the item from the bag.

And the treasure turned out to be...a bowl of really sparkly, nachos, complete with all of the fixings.

Dipper stared at it with both confusion and disappointment. "That's it? I was expecting something more…shiny."

However, Mabel and Soos had a much different perspective.

"I've never seen anything so beautiful in all my life," said Soos.

"It looks so delicious!" said Mabel.

As the two of them reached for a chip, Dipper cut them off. "Um, guys? Are you sure you want to eat these? It could be dangerous."

"Of course we want to eat these," said Mabel. "I mean, it's not like we found them in a deep, dark, dingy cave or anything."

"Mabel, that's exactly where we found them."

Dipper was ignored, though, as Mabel and Soos each grabbed a chip and ate them. Immediately, there was a blinding flash, and the two of them transformed. In an instant, Mabel had suddenly become a giant Fruit Loop, and Soos a giant nacho chip, covered from head to toe cheese and meat.

"Yay! I'm a Fruit Loop! The loopiest of fruits!"

"Of all the identities I have ever had, this one is easily the most delicious." Soos quipped, before biting off a piece of himself.

"Huh…" said Dipper as he eyed the magic nachos. "I wonder what kind of food I'll become..."

Dipper then reluctantly grabbed a chip and slowly brought it towards his mouth. After taking a bite, another bright flash of light enveloped him as he began to transform. Strangely enough, he did not transform into a food. Instead, he became a taller, buffer, and more handsome version of himself. He was also mostly naked, with only a loincloth covering his privates.

"That's strange. I thought I would transform into a food, not that I mind or anything." he said, observing himself and beginning to feel quite empowered in this new form.

"I can think of someone who'd like to take a bite out of you." a voice interjected, catching Dipper off-guard.

Realizing that the voice was not from Mabel or Soos, Dipper turned to find that it was actually Wendy. She was wearing a long, white, elegant dress that made her appear like an angel.

"W…Wendy! What are you doing here…and why are you wearing that?"

She looked down at her attire and shrugged. "Not my style, huh?" She then snapped her fingers, causing a bright flash to appear. In an instant, she was back in her normal clothes.

"Better?"

Dipper raised an eyebrow. "How did you do that?"

Wendy ignored his question and approached Dipper seductively. "I know I said before that I was too old for you, but now that you're a major hunk, I think I can overlook that."

Dipper's thoughts about how she changed clothes disappeared immediately. "Oh, really?"

"Really." She said as she wrapped her arms around Dipper.

Dipper returned the sentiment.

"Oh, Dipper…"

"Oh, Wendy…"

Wendy closed her eyes and puckered her lips as she moved in to kiss him. Dipper moved in as well, his lips ready for the kiss he had so desperately desired for so long.

However, before he could seal the deal, Wendy suddenly poked him in the nose.

"Poke poke!"

"Hey, ow! What are you doing?" Dipper asked.

She just continued poking him. "Poke poke! Time to wake up, sleepy head!"

"Wake up?" said Dipper before a horrible realization hit him. "No! I don't want to wake up! I didn't get to the best part! Don't...don't wake me u…

* * *

"Poke poke!"

Dipper slowly began to awaken from his dream. When he finally woke up enough, he realized that it was his sister that he was holding onto, and that she was the one who was poking him.

"Poke poke! Come on, wake up already!"

"Ugh! Fine, I'm awake. Stop poking me already."

"One more!" said Mable before poking him one last time. "Poke!"

Dipper released her and rubbed his face. "You have no idea how badly I wanted to keep dreaming."

"Oh I bet!" said Mabel as she got off the bed and clasped her hands together next to her head. "You were dreaming of your girlfriend Wendy, weren't you?"

"So what if I was?" said Dipper as he moved to the edge of the bed and stretched. "And she's not my girlfriend…"

His voice lowered. "...and she probably never will be."

"I heard that," said Mabel with a look of concern. "Don't you think you're giving up a little too easily?"

"There's nothing I can do about being three years younger than her, and even if I could do something, what are the chances she'd go out with me anyway?"

Dipper's head sunk. "It's hopeless, Mabel. I'll just have to move on and settle with being her friend." He chuckled. "That's not bad, right?"

"Wrong!" Mabel stated, putting her hands on her hips. "Settling is the last thing you want to do!"

Dipper rolled his eyes while getting off the bed to get dressed. "I know you're trying to help, but I'm not going to ruin what I already have."

"A wise person once said 'If it seems like you two aren't the right fit, FORCE IT!'"

"Mabel, nobody wise ever said that. In fact, you're the one who said that in your _Guide to Dating_ video you made for some insane reason."

"Ha!" said Mabel, pointing at Dipper. "I knew you watched that! You said you wouldn't."

Dipper sighed while putting on his vest. "Yes, I did, but only because I wanted to appreciate my sister's work, and totally not because I was looking for some dating advice or anything."

Mabel laughed. "I knew it! You still believe you can get Wendy to like you somehow!"

"We're ending this discussion," said Dipper as he put his trademark hat on. "I'm going downstairs to get breakfast. There will be no more talk of Wendy."

"Don't worry, Dipper! Your ship hasn't 'dipped' under the water yet! Huh?!"

Dipper deadpanned. "That was terrible. Good bye."

"I'M A COMEDY GENIUS!"

Dipper walked out the door and slammed it, wishing he was back in the wonderful comfort of his dream.

* * *

Several hours later, the Pines twins met up with Grunkle Stan at the gift shop.

"Reporting for duty, Grunkle Stan!" Mabel stated with a salute.

"I like that attitude, kid!" said Stan as he pointed at her. "That's the kind of attitude that'll make me money!"

"Um…I'm also reporting for duty, Grunkle Stan," said Dipper, trying to imitate his sister.

Grunkle Stan lightly poked Dipper with his eight-ball cane. "You'll have to do better than that, kid. You lose some points for originality."

Dipper rolled his eyes. "What do you need us to do?"

"I have two assignments. I'll hand one to each of you to complete. The first task requires doing something really dirty, disgusting, and difficult. I wouldn't do it in a million years. The other task is to sit next to Wendy all day behind the counter. It'll probably be a slow day today, so you'll have plenty time to chat with each other and have a good time. So which will it be? Mabel, you pick first."

"Behind the counter!"

"Good choice! You definitely don't want to do that other task."

Dipper sighed. "Of course."

"Let's go, kid," said Stan sharply as he out of the gift shop. "You've got work to do."

"Coming Grunkle Stan," Dipper replied unenthusiastically before muttering to himself. "Thanks a lot, Mabel."

"Don't worry, Dipper," whispered Mabel. "I've got an idea."

Dipper was instantly worried. "Please don't say anything to Wendy about me. "

"Relax. I got this." She then walked towards the counter.

"Ugh," said Dipper as he put his hand on his forehead. "This is going to be the worst day of my life, isn't?"

"Hey, Dip."

The owner of that voice was none other than the girl of Dipper's dreams, Wendy Corduroy. She was sitting behind the counter, reading an issue of Underground Music Hourly: Special Underground Edition and munching from a bag of potato chips.

"Hey, Wendy!" said Dipper, trying and failing to contain his excitement.

"You should hang out with us after you're done with your assignment. It's going to be totally boring today."

"Sure, great! Ha ha!" Dipper then waved. "I'll see you later!"

Mabel took her seat next to Wendy and gave Dipper two thumbs up. Dipper responded by waving his hand under his chin in a vain hope to dissuade his sister. Realizing quickly this was a wasted effort, he sunk his head and walked out of the gift shop.

* * *

Dipper caught up to Grunkle Stan in the living room. "So what do I need to do, Grunkle Stan?"

"I need you to go inside the crawl space and clean it out."

Dipper raised an eyebrow. "There's a crawl space?"

The old man blinked in surprise. "You didn't know? I figured you would've found it by now. Huh…"

He then grabbed the floorboard underneath him and pulled it up. Below was a small cramped space that appeared very dusty and dingy.

"Every once in a while, something crawls in there and croaks. Normally I wouldn't care, but it turns out that the smell of putrid corpses discourages customers from spending money."

He then pulled out a small trash bag and a flashlight from his back pocket. "I need you to go in there and collect any rotting carcasses you find so we can dispose of them later. Got it?"

The preteen boy moaned. "Do I have to do this? Why can't Soos do it?"

"Ha ha! You think Soos could possibly fit in there? You're dreaming, kid! Get to work!" He then handed Dipper the trash bag and flashlight before pushing him under the floor.

The moment Dipper landed inside, a cloud of dust was kicked up, causing Dipper to cough repeatedly.

"Try not to take too long, kid. If you're not out within an hour, I'll assume that I'll have to send Mabel down there to collect your corpse or something. Later!" He then placed the floorboard back into its original position.

Dipper coughed a few more times. "I'm think I'm going to get lung cancer."

He then turned on the flashlight and began looking around. "Might as well get this over with."

For the next couple minutes, Dipper continued to slink around, looking for anything dead or otherwise repulsive. It wasn't long before he was covered in cobwebs, annoying him greatly. He eventually found the body of a squirrel that was covered in maggots. It reeked of decay and foulness.

"Oh god! It's worse than I imagined!" He slowly reached out with his thumb and forefinger to pick it up.

"I think I'm going to be sick," he said as he picked it up and tossed in the bag. A number of maggots fell off and onto the ground near him.

"Ew! Get away from me!" He began to crawl away as fast as he could.

"Please be the only one! Please be the only one!"

He continued for a good minute before he began to hear some voices in the distance.

"...so what was your first kiss like?"

"Is that Mabel?" he said as he crawled closer to investigate.

"Ugh, do I really have to answer that? It's something I'd rather forget."

"That's Wendy!" said Dipper as he made it to the source of the voices. He soon discovered that he could see both Wendy and Mabel through a crack between the floorboards.

"My first kiss was with this guy named Rusty. It was a complete disaster! He cut his lip on my braces and started bleeding all over the place. I thought I was going to die of embarrassment!"

Mabel chuckled. "Yeah, braces are awful!"

Dipper also chuckled before muttering to himself. "You know it's probably wrong of me to eavesdrop on their conversation, but…on the other hand, what they don't know can't hurt them, right?"

"I can't wait to get rid of these things!" said Mabel while rubbing her own braces with tongue.

"I don't know," said Wendy as she sipped her Pitt soda. "I think they give you a lot of charm."

"Yeah, I am preeetty charming! Ha ha!" She then leaned closer to Wendy. "Speaking of charming people, I happen to know just the guy who I think would be great for you."

Wendy raised a skeptical brow. "Oh, really."

Dipper put his hands to the sides of his face as a feeling of pure terror enveloped him.

"Oh god, no Mabel!" he hissed. "Don't do it!"

"Yeah, he's great!" said Mabel. "He's handsome, smart, brave, funny, and extremely loyal!"

"Wow," said the red-head as she leaned back and smirked. "He sounds pretty amazing."

"Oh, he is. There is this one itsy, bitsy little minor thing where he happens to be twelve years old, but that's like totally easy to overlook."

Wendy laughed loudly. "Oh man, are you really trying to hook me up with Dipper?"

Mabel appeared surprised. "How did you know?"

"Guess I'm psychic or something."

"Amazing!" said Mabel as she climbed onto the counter. "So tell me, what do you say?"

Dipper closed his eyes and steeled his heart. "Here it comes…"

Wendy sighed while shaking the now empty soda can. "Look, I think it's great that you're trying to help out your brother, but the truth is that I'm fifteen and he's twelve. It's too much of a gap."

"Yep, just like before," said Dipper as his heart sank. "Thanks for nothing, Mabel."

However, the female twin didn't give up. "I think that true love overcomes all barriers!"

"You do, huh? Guess you really are still a kid."

"Hey!" said Mabel with a frown.

"Relax! I'm just teasing you," said Wendy as she lightly shoves Mabel. She then took a deep breath before continuing. "You're right that Dipper is like, super amazing for his age, but I can't overlook the fact that he's still technically a kid. The thought of dating him gives me this icky, gross feeling. I could be his older sister or something. It's kind of like...yuck."

"I think I should be going," said Dipper as he began to crawl away, feeling completely demoralized.

"Okay then," said Mabel with a look of seriousness. "Let's say hypothetically that Dipper was your age. Would you date him then?"

Dipper stopped when he heard this question and listen intently.

Wendy put a finger onto her chin and paused briefly. "You know what? I'd probably give him a shot."

Upon hearing that, an overwhelming feeling of happiness and excitement overwhelmed Dipper. "YES!"

"Did you hear something?" said Wendy, who began to l look around.

Dipper covered his mouth immediately with both hands and laid motionless for several seconds in a desperate attempt to avoid detection.

"Huh. Must have been a wild animal or something," said Wendy as she turned to Mabel again.

"Okay, enough about me and Dipper. What about you? Seeing anyone? Huh?" She lightly jabbed her with her elbow.

"I'm currently in between boyfriends, but you know, I'm sure it won't be long before I find someone else."

"What kind of guy are you looking for?"

Mabel jumped back into her chair. "Well obviously he would have to be a dreamy vampire at least over two-hundred years old."

Wendy laughed again. "What's with you Pines and wanting to date above your age bracket?"

The younger girl leaned back in her chair. "We're going to live in a castle, and I will be his vampire queen!"

"Okay, let's say he not a vampire or anything else weird. What are you looking for?"

Mabel gave the question some thought. "Well, obviously he has to be handsome and filthy rich, am I right? I mean, I'm a girl who appreciates depth."

"Obviously," said Wendy as she rolled her eyes.

"As for personality traits, he has to be kind, smart, brave, sensitive but not too sensitive, funny, and most importantly of all…" she said before narrowing her eyes. "…loyal…"

Wendy's eyes shot open in excitement. "Oh my gosh! I know just the guy who has like almost all those qualities!"

Mabel shot up eagerly. "Really? Who? Tell me!"

"Oh yeah, he's great! He's even your age!"

Mabel was now jumping in her chair. "Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, TELL ME!"

The red-head paused for dramatic effect before answering. "Dipper!"

Several moments passed before Mabel responded.

"EEEEEWWWW! GROSS!"

Dipper shuddered in disgust. "Not funny, Wendy." He shuddered again.

Wendy was laughing hysterically. "I'm sorry…I couldn't resist!" She laughed a bit more.

"It just reminded me…of how you were trying to hook me up with him."

"He's my brother! Ew!" she said before sticking out her tongue. "I'd rather eat Grunkle Stan's toe jam!"

"Whoa!" said Wendy as her laughter ended. "I think I'd rather date Dipper than do that."

Dipper chuckled happily as he seemed to thinking. "Maybe I do have a chance. I just have to look in the journal!" He then crawled away as quickly as he could.

"...Promise that you'll never make that joke again!"

"...Okay, okay, I promise."

* * *

Dipper practically leapt out of the location where the loose floorboard was and bolted towards the stairs. Along the way, he spotted Grunkle Stan.

"All done, Grunkle Stan! Got something to do!" He then threw the bag at Stan and went up the stairs without missing a step.

"Hey, wait a minute! Who said you were done?!"

Dipper ignored him and continued up the stairs.

Grunkle Stan sighed. "Ah, never mind. He looks too excited for me to want to stop him." He then looked inside the bag.

"Ugh. It's probably a good idea to dispose of this." He then grinned deviously. "But it's more profitable to make it into an exhibit!"

Before long, Dipper was in his room, shifting through his journal to find something useful.

"I know now that if I can find some way to overcome Wendy's inhibitions with dating someone my age, she'll totally go out with me! All I have to do is find some kind of spell or magic device that'll make me older or make Wendy younger. Heck, I'd settle for a love potion if there is one."

"How about a magic projector that turns you into were-teens!"

Dipper was startled by the voice. "Whoa! Oh, it's you."

Standing next to Dipper was none other than the Mystery Shack's very own maintenance personnel, Soos.

"You're looking through your journal. I know what that means!"

"Heh, yeah," said Dipper as he rubbed the back of his neck.

Soos raised his hands in the air. "Mystery, adventure and excitement!"

"Maybe. Think you can keep this a secret?"

Soos looked at Dipper seriously. "My lips are sealed. In fact, I can even super-glue them together. You want me to?"

"That's…not necessary."

"Are you sure?" said Soos as he held up a bottle of super-glue.

"I'm sure," he said as he looked into his journal again. "There's got to be something I can use. I just have to find it."

For the next hour, Dipper combed the journal for anything he could use. He even used the black light to see if there was anything he might have missed.

"There's the crystals that change your size, a spell that permanently removes the feeling of disgust, a spell that changes the smell of your flatulence. None of these fit."

Soos was looking around the room out of boredom when he found something that peaked his interest.

"Oh dude, a half-eaten Twizzler!" He picked it up to inspect it. It was covered in fuzz and small hairs.

"Most people would probably find this icky and gross, but whatever!" He then eats the candy.

"Icky and gross…" said Dipper as he pondered those words. In a moment of inspiration, Dipper shot a look at Soos. "Wait a minute! Soos you're a genius!"

"I'm a legend in my own mind."

Dipper flipped the journal to a specific page. "I remember Wendy saying that it made her feel icky and gross when she thought about dating someone my age. I can remove that feeling with this!" He then found the page with the spell that permanently removes feelings of disgust.

"What took me years to master, you can do in an instant!" said Soos.

Dipper read the passage carefully. "According to the journal, it's actually a spell circle. The caster and any intended targets must both be inside the circle in order to activate it. Well, I guess losing my ability to feel disgust is a small price to pay to be with Wendy."

"Trust me, dude. You won't miss it at all." Soos' stomach began to growl in irritation. "Oh boy. I'm thinking that maybe I shouldn't have eaten that Twizzler. Be right back, dude!"

He soon ran out the door with a hand over his mouth.

Dipper shrugged as he continued reading. "The spell circle must be created using the ten most disgusting things in Gravity Falls. The reagents are as follows: The snot of a gremoblin, the armpit hair of a manotaur, the lymph node of an aboleth, the slime of a giant hagfish, the boil of a sea witch, the toe nail of an athech, the plaque from a gnome's tooth, the earwax of a barghest, the eye juice of a beholder, and the drool of the ugliest old man you know. Huh, that last lone seems oddly subjective."

By now, Soos had returned. He had shards of glass protruding from his face. "I'm back. Probably going to have to replace a window. Might have smashed my head through it trying to puke outside."

* * *

Grunkle Stan had just stepped outside. "Man, it sure is a beautiful day today! I'm going to look upwards in order to enjoy the crystal blue sky!"

At that very moment, a glass window from the second floor was destroyed as Soos head-butted it. He then puked right all over Grunkle Stan's unsuspecting face.

"Oh my god! It's in my eye! It's in my eyes! It burns! AAAAGGGHHHHH!" Stan ran off, obviously in agony.

Soos shifted his eyes back and forth before slowly moving back into the shack.

* * *

Soos chuckled lightly. "He'll be okay."

"There's a list of ingredients we have to get!" said Dipper as he pointed at the journal. "Want to come with me to gather them?"

"Oh, dude! I'm so totally there! Are we bringing your sister along?"

Dipper shook his head. "Nah. She's having a good time with Wendy. I'll tell her about it later." He then points towards the window.

"Let's go!"

Soos raised his hands in the air. "Time for a montage!"

Dipper looked at him in confusion. "Montage?"

* * *

Dipper was in the middle of the woods, crawling under a gremoblin who was sleeping. He was holding a jar and was reaching for its nose.

"Ew."

Just as Dipper got a hold of some snot, the gremoblin woke up. Seconds later, Dipper and Soos were running for their lives from it…

* * *

Dipper was sneaking up on a Manotaur by the name of Beardy, who was eating a bag of beef jerky next to a cliff. He was holding tweezers and a sandwich bag. He waited for just the right moment for Beardy to raise his arm so he could snag an armpit hair.

"Ew, ew, ew."

When Beardy stretched his arms, Dipper saw his chance and took it.

He and Soos were soon running for their lives from the manotaur…

* * *

Dipper and Soos were in a boat in the middle of Lake Gravity Falls. Each of them had fishing poles, obviously attempting to catch the next of the ingredients. Suddenly, a giant hagfish and an aboleth popped out of the water simultaneously, each hooked onto a different fishing pole. A huge glob of slime fell from the giant hagfish and landed onto the boat, coating both Dipper and Soos in slime.

"Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!"

Two adventurers were soon rowing for their lives…

* * *

This pattern repeated itself five more times with the athech, sea witch, beholder, barghest, and the gnomes. Thankfully, they were able to successfully collect everything they needed without serious injury or worse. However, they were completely filthy, and they reeked worse than Old Man McGucket."

Soos was leaning against a tree, completely exhausted. "Dude, it's too bad that montages don't happen in real life."

Dipper was also winded. "It may have cost us six hours of our time, and we'll probably need at least ten showers to remove this stench, but it was totally worth it!" He then pulled up a large, grimy, bag that was leaking slime and surrounded by flies.

"So what's next, dude?"

Dipper pulled out the journal and opened it to the corresponding page. "According to the journal, we have one last ingredient. The drool of the ugliest old man you know. Oh, that's easy. I'll just get some drool from Grunkle Stan."

"I don't know," said Soos while scratching his head. "Grunkle Stan's no model, but I could think of one or two old dudes in this town that look worse."

Dipper smirked confidently. "I figured out a loophole. You see, Grunkle Stan is the only one that I actually 'know'. The others are just acquaintances. I don't really 'know' them. Understand?"

"Not really, dude. But I trust that you know what you're doing."

"Well, it's either that, or the vague, subjective nature of the last ingredient means it doesn't matter which old man's drool it is. I'm hedging my bets!" He then pulls out a glass vile. "Grunkle Stan should be taking his afternoon nap at around this time. If I hurry, I should be able to collect his drool while he's sleeping."

"Good luck, dude!" said Soos with a salute. "I'll wait for you here!"

"Be right back, Soos!" said Dipper as he ran towards the shack.

"I am the greatest cupid of all time," said Soos as he pretended to shoot an arrow. He immediately frowned. "Aw, I missed…"

* * *

Dipper slowly snuck into the living room, quickly spotting his Grunkle Stan sleeping in his arm chair. A small amount of drool accumulated on the corner of his mouth, and his snoring was loud enough to easily mask is grand nephew's footsteps.

Dipper edged closer and closer until he was near enough to get the vial under the dribble of saliva. With the utmost care, he lifted the vial and scooped a small droplet inside.

At that exact moment, Stanford sniffed the air before waking up. "Augh! Pee-yew, kid! Did you swim in raw sewage or something?" He then eyed the vial suspiciously. "What's that you got there?"

Dipper hid the vial behind him. "Nothing."

Grunkle Stan grabbed his cane and stood up. "Don't lie to me, kid. Give it back!"

Dipper took off. "Sorry Grunkle Stan!"

Grunkle Stan gave chase, completely enraged. "Darn it, kid! Nobody takes my bodily fluids without paying at least twenty bucks!"

"I don't have twenty bucks!"

Grunkle Stan raised his cane to swing at him. "RAARRGH!"

Dipper spotted an open window and immediately jumped out of it to make his escape. He dodged Grunkle Stan's grasp by just mere inches as he landed outside.

"You're on the ropes now, kid! How dare you escape from my inexplicable rage?!" He then looked confused before calming down in the next instant. "Seriously, what am I so mad about? It's only drool."

"Later, Grunkle Stan!" said Dipper with a wave before he corked the vial. He then darted off into the woods where Soos was waiting.

The old man narrowed his eyes and rubbed his chin.

"I get the sneaking suspicion that boy is planning to do something foolish and ill-advised…" He shrugged and smiled. "But since this doesn't impact me directly, I'll do what any sane and rational parental figure would do and say 'boy will be boys'."

He then shut the window and walked away.

* * *

Soos was sitting on a tree stump, munching on something. The bag of disgusting reagents was at his feet.

Dipper ran up to meet him, holding up the vial. "Soos! I got it!"

"That's great, dude!" said Soos as he swallowed whatever he was eating and reached into the bag.

Dipper was mortified to see this. "Soos! What are you eating?"

Soos pulled out a blueberry muffin from the bag. It was covered in slime and green juices, and it was surrounded by flies. "I was just eating these muffins that I put in the disgusting bag for safe keeping. Want one?"

"I…think I'll pass," said Dipper while trying not to gag.

"Your loss, dude!" He then took a bite of the muffin. "Every bite is like a war between deliciousness and nastiness. Win deliciousness! Win!"

"Uh… yeah," said Dipper as he put the vial in the bag.

Soos swallowed the bite and stood up. "So what's next, dude?"

Dipper looked at his journal. "According to my journal, the ingredients must be blended together into a liquid that'll be used to paint the spell circle. Once painted, the caster must then enter the circle and recite the magic words to activate the spell. Anyone who is also inside the spell circle when it's activated will also be affected."

"How are you going to mix them?"

Dipper smirked while he opened the bag. "I prepared ahead of time." He pulled out a mixing bowl and whisk.

The two guys spent the next half hour combining the ingredients and using the greenish mixture to create the spell circle. The circle had abstract illustrations of the various creatures that the ingredients were extracted from, save for the last one, which was simply a mouth with drool on it. There were also various alchemical symbols near the center. When finished, the circle was about eight feet in diameter and smelled something awful.

"It's finished!" said Dipper while holding his nose.

"Now for my favorite part," said Soos while wiping his brow. "The part that has magic in it."

Dipper looked at his watch. "According to the time, I still have one hour left before Wendy's shift ends. That's plenty of time for me to change clothes, take two showers, and prepare everything I need to ensure that this plan doesn't go horribly wrong. I've already made of list of everything I need."

He pulled out a piece of paper from his vest. He then unfolded the paper, revealing that the list was actually quite long. "I need two rolls of pennies, a bag of butterscotch, a bottle of super-glue, one nose clip, a length of rope about ten feet across, a gorilla suit, two bottles of water and…"

"It's cool, dude," said Soos with a chuckle. "You don't have to read the whole thing."

Dipper put the list away. "We're at the home stretch! Let's finish this!"

* * *

Fifty-five minutes later, Dipper and Soos were waiting at the edge of the woods outside the Mystery Shack. Both had a chance to clean up and put on fresh clothes, though Soos was strangely wearing the Sascrotch costume normally up as a display inside the shack.

Dipper checked his watch again. "In five minutes, Wendy will come out of the shack and leave with her friends. During that time, I need to lure her to the spell circle and activate it."

Soos look at himself in the suit. "Where do I come in?"

The young Pines brother pointed at Soos. "Your job is to run out in the middle of the road and prevent Wendy's friends from arriving here just as Wendy gets off. That'll make it easier to convince her to come with me."

"What about Mabel and Stan?"

"I've decided not to get them involved in this, so to make sure they don't, I set up some distractions…"

* * *

Mabel walked into her room, apparently done hanging out with Wendy for the day. She shocked to find that her pig Waddles was tied to her bedpost with a rope.

"Hey! Who tied Waddles to my bed? And more importantly…" She then pointed to a bowl of butterscotch candies on the floor. "…who put these candies on the floor?! Butterscotch! My favorite!"

She goes up to the bowl and attempts to pick it up. However, the Pines sister finds she's unable to, as the bowl appeared to be stuck to the floor. "This seems oddly distracting and suspicious, but oh well!"

She drives her head into the bowl. A second later, she lifts her head and coughs up two candies. "Oh right! The plastic wrappers. So silly of me." She then unwrapped a piece and ate it.

* * *

Grunkle Stan was walking through one of the rooms filled with displays when he noticed something out of place. "Hey, who stole the Sascrotch display? And more importantly…"

He then pointed at a penny on the floor. "…who left this penny on the floor? Free money! My favorite!"

After picking up the penny, he immediately spotted another one and another after that. There was a trail of pennies that went out of the room. "This seems oddly distracting and suspicious, but oh well!"

He continued to collect the pennies, one after another until a crack was heard from his back. "Ow! My back! Oh, well, it's a labor of love." He continued to collect the pennies until he left the room.

* * *

Dipper chuckled to himself. "Having Mabel, Grunkle Stan and Waddles out of the picture will make sure no one accidentally enters the spell circle while Wendy and I are in it. I would've liked to have told my sister the plan, but since she was with Wendy all day, I never had the opportunity. I'll tell her about it later."

"How're you going to trick Wendy into following you there?" said Soos.

Dipper became excited at this point. "See! That's the most brilliant part! I'm just going to tell her the truth! I'll tell her that I want to test out a spell that permanently removes disgust! We already know that she cool with all this supernatural stuff! I'm counting on her curiosity. I mean, sure I'll omit the part that this is some overly elaborate plan in order to get her to date me, but I'm sure that won't come up."

"Hey, wait. If this is permanent, what if something goes wrong?"

"I even have that covered," said Dipper as he pulled out the journal. "If for some reason my plan fails, or if losing our disgust has severe negative consequences, I can just recite this second set of magic words, and the enchantment is dispelled."

"Oh, that's good. 'Cause trust me, overcoming one's disgust comes with great responsibility." He then shoved a muffin through the mouth hole of the suit.

"I have everything covered. This plan can't fail," said the boy as he looked at his watch. "Two minutes left! Get going, Soos!"

Soos saluted Dipper. "You got it, dude!" He then started taking off.

"Hey, wait! Soos?"

Soos turned around, looking confused. "What, dude?"

Dipper gave him a thumbs up. "Thanks for everything, Soos! I truly owe you one!"

Soos returned the gesture. "Make me the best man at your wedding, and we'll call it even!"

"Deal!" said Dipper as he waved him off.

Soos took off after that. Moments later, he was out of sight.

Dipper looked at his watch one last time and took a deep breath. "It's cool, Dipper. You got this." He then adjusted his hat and walked out towards the shack.

Just as he had planned, Wendy exited the building the moment her shift ended. She spotted Dipper immediately. "Oh hey, Dip! I was wondering what happened to you. I was disappointed that you didn't come hang out with us after you were done helping Grunkle Stan."

Dipper rubbed the back of his neck. "Hey, Wendy. Sorry about that. I was kinda distracted."

"Distracted by what?" said Wendy before she sniffed the air, cringing as she waved her hand in front of her nose. "Augh, what is that smell?"

Dipper immediately pulled out a clothespin and handed it to Wendy. "Sorry about that. You'll know soon enough why I smell like this." He then pulled out his journal.

"The truth is that I was busy gathering the reagents for a spell."

Wendy's eyes shot open as she put the clothespin on her nose. "No way! What kind of spell?"

"It's a spell that permanently removes a person's disgust."

"Whoa, cool!" said Wendy before rubbing her chin. "Why'd you pick that one?"

"Um, well," said Dipper before nervously shrugging. "Wouldn't it be cool to never feel disgust ever again? I came up with the thought earlier today when I was cleaning out the crawl space of dead animals."

"Wait, there's a crawl space? Where's that at?"

"I'll show you later," said Dipper with a wave of his hand. "Want to join me?"

"Heck yeah I do!" said Wendy before eying him distrustfully. "Wait a minute. Are you messing with me? It's not like a love spell or something, right?"

Dipper opened the journal to the corresponding page. "Nope! I'm being completely, one-hundred percent honest! Ha ha!"

He then muttered to himself. "…technically speaking."

Wendy read the page. "Whoa! These ingredients are nasty. No wonder you stink so bad." She looked at Dipper again. "Are you sure this is worth it?"

"It won't be if we let it all go to waste," said Dipper with a shrug.

Wendy shrugged back. "We better hurry then before my friends get here. I wonder why they're running so late."

"Who knows? Maybe they ran into a Sasquatch or something."

"Yeah, right. It's more likely that Thompson held everyone up by needing to use the bathroom."

Dipper chuckled nervously. "Yeah, I'm sure it's that." The two then take of deeper into the forest, just as Dipper had planned.

* * *

Down the road, Wendy's friends were in Thompson's van, which was stopped in the middle of the road. In front of it was Soos inside the costume, who was twirling around like ballerina.

"Get off the road!" said Thompson as he beeped the horn. "Come on!"

"I have finally found the true purpose of my existence," said Soos as he continued to dance.

"Is that a Sasquatch?" said Lee.

"Wrong!" said Nate. "It's clearly a Sascrotch!"

"Don't correct me, man!" said Lee before punching Nate in the arm.

"Don't punch me in the arm after I correct you, dude!" said Nate as he punched him back.

Next to them, Tambry was furiously on her phone. "Status Update: Crazy, dancing lunatic in a Sasquatch outfit is blocking the road. I hate this town."

It would be several minutes before Soos dance had ended, allowing the teens to pass through…

* * *

A few minutes later, Dipper and Wendy were nearly to the site of the spell circle.

"You know what would be a great idea?" said Wendy. "We should get with my friends and look at the goriest, nastiest pictures on Tambry's phone. We'll be the only ones who won't freak out! It'll be awesome!"

"Yeah, great idea!" said Dipper, getting more excited with every step. He was merely moments away from completing his plan. Finally, he would have a real chance with the love of his young life.

The green spell circle was soon found, and the two of them walked up to the edge of it.

"Whoa, you drew this?" said the red-head while inspecting it. "It looks elaborate."

"This is pretty standard for spell circles," said Dipper as he looked through the journal.

Wendy looked at both Dipper and the circle. "So now what do we do?"

"According to the journal, we must both stand inside it. Like this." He then walked into the middle.

Wendy also walked into the circle. "Then what?"

"Now I just have to say the magic words to activate the spell." He looked to Wendy one last time. "Are you ready?"

Wendy gave Dipper her gentlest, most sincere smile, making the boy blush deeply. "I'm ready! Do it, Dipper!"

Satisfied with her response, Dipper turned to the journal and read the words…

"MORENDUS VOMITUS SUSPENDOS!"

The second the incantation was completed, a loud voice was heard directly behind Dipper and Wendy. "BOO!"

Both were immediately startled, and they turned to discover that someone had followed them.

"Mabel?" said Dipper, completely confounded. "What are you doing here?"

Mabel was laughing hysterically. "You should see the look on your faces!" She then sniffed the air.

"Blegh! What reeks?!" She didn't notice that she was also standing in the middle of the spell circle. It was at this exactly moment that the circle began to glow brightly.

"Oh crap…" said Dipper as the three of them are quickly enveloped in green light.

* * *

**Author's Notes: I hope you guys enjoyed this first chapter. It was a blast to write. I truly hope it was equally enjoyable for you to read. I plan to have another update within the week. Have a great day!**


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